underneath it all

2007-12-12T11:00:00.000+08:00

i guess ive had enough.

2007-11-22T10:54:00.000+08:00

Here are some pictures from Dinner & Dance on 16.11.07

It was held at the Swissotel. The food wasnt very nice, its either too salty or too bland. The performances were OK...the overall is not up to expectations. I hope for a better one next year.

2007-11-11T15:44:00.001+08:00

Today, he rejected my request to ask him out again. For the 243418273th time. Sad as can be, but im used to it. Its always the same answer.
I dont know how long is this going to go on and i dont know how much longer i can take it...

Well, i shall not let him spoil my mood. :)

Im taking driving lessons at BBDC. I have booked theory lessons on my next off day.
I cant wait to get the license. Hurray!

Happy Birthday Ibu Ruby.

2007-11-08T19:16:00.000+08:00

This is a long overdue story.

That guy is my fiance. The one hugging him is his ex-colleauge. My heart boiled when i saw this picture. Firstly, her hands is over his shoulders and her thigh is above his. Isnt it too intimate for friends? Especially when the guy is engaged to someone. Secondly, i didnt even know that they (with a bunch of friends as they assumed) went out together and from other pictures, i assume they went to the beach or a park. This photo got me mad. Real mad. Would any of you feel the same way if you were in my shoes? Well, i bumped into this picture when i was viewing her friendster account.

And so, i left her a comment. There was some war of words between us. Lastly, she sent a a private msg...and this is EXACTLY what she said.

"to my point of view,i hug ur fiance from the side. not from the front which my chest touching his. n that won't happen coz i know which is right and wrong. i believe u should know that we are good FRIENDS and we know how to behave ourself. this comes to open-mindness. eventhou we r living in the 20th century now which is kinda open environment but still in our mind, we still know our limit gal... i apologize if the pic really hurts u alot. not only i love him as a friend but we,his x-colleges loves him alot. my advice don't create a mountain over a molehill. don't jump to conclusion. settle things professionally. u might not b able to accept watever i said in here coz im the one who create the problem TO YOU i supposed. however as a gd friend to ur fiance,try to loosen up a bit... dont get too stress up... gd luck then!"

Practically, she is telling me that i am too conservative and old-fashioned. And she is teaching me to be more open-minded. I wonder if she gave a thought of what she said beforehand. Will she willingly let somebody else touches her boyfriend(if she have one) like that? Did she even think how she would have felt if she was in my place? Did she realise that she is hurting another woman and that it might happen or could have happened to her before? Or is she the kind who goes around touching anybody like that, doesnt matter is it someone else's boyfriend, fiance or husband and call that within her limits? And i wonder how she limit herself then...?

I didnt reply to her msg. I had wanted to call her but i guess it will be just a waste of my time. She will just hurt me further. And i didnt want to stoop to her level. I had a big fight with him then. He didnt even bother about how i felt. He supported her and said she was right. Is she right? If she is then where is my rights as his fiancee.

As usual i am always the one who have to give in. We got back together and he promised me that he will tell her to delete the picture from her profile. A week later, the picture is still there and when i asked he said he already told her to delete it and that she will do it when she is free. Till now, the picture is still there. It could be either he lied about telling her to delete it or she could be the one who refuse to delete it. Either, or. And i just cant be bothered to say anything. She is old enough to think what is right and what is wrong. I don't think she will like it if her friends, relatives or anybody she know to come across someone's profile hugging her boyfriend(again, if she have one). I just hope(really really hope) that one day she will go through what i went through and only then perhaps she might understand how i feel.

I went through so much. U made me down just too many times, but each time..i will bring myself up again and i will tell myself not to lose hope and that things are going to change for the better. When will you ever realise how much effort i put into this relationship..?

2007-11-05T11:07:00.000+08:00

It's been a freaking long time since i last updated my blog. Im so busy and when i have the time to blog my mind will just go blank cause there is just too many things to say. Life has been a rollercoaster ride for me. I don't know where my relationship is leading me to. Everything seem so wrong and its all so different from what it used to be. There's many a time when i feel like giving up but i keep telling myself to hold on for i don't know why. I dont know why i am still stuck here when there is so many reason for me to leave. Is this love or is this just my own stupidity?

2007-09-22T17:14:00.001+08:00

im tired.

2007-09-18T09:24:00.000+08:00

i have been pretty busy lately and hasnt got the time to update my blog. so here's a glance of what ive been up to.

we celebrated anaqin's first birthday 10 days in advance as the chalet was already fully booked on the 28th Aug.

this is how the chalet look like from outside. big eh?

this is the view from the chalet.

this is my whole big family. mine and his. not complete tho.

anaqin with ibu and ayah.

and that is anaqin's birthday present from atok.

its remote-controlled.

Kids nowadays are damn lucky. Tho we celebrated Anaqin's birthday in advance...we celebrated it again on the the itself. Double celebration. We went to Bilal Restaurant for dinner... it was his birthday but we got to enjoy the good food! hehe....

From left to right: Me, Azie, Kak Nat, Little Aqin and Ibu

From left to right: Abg Lukman, Little Anaqin, Abah and MY FAT NAUGHTY PIGGY

On 11th September, i went for an outing with my ex-colleagues from SATS. We had a hell load of fun. We met at Marina Square where we had our lunch at Pizza Hut and the service was excellent.

while waiting for Ismail who was 1 1/2 hours late...we decided to take pictures. and eat w/o him.

And tho our stomachs' were already full, we headed to Swensen's for ice-cream. Mcm gelojoh kan? cheers to our friendship!

Then we made our way to esplanade to chill...But then we decided to take the Taxi Boat.

while waiting for our boat to arrive...sempat kite berposing-mosing.

the boat ride was fun fun fun!

And finally the day came. LOVE is BACK!!!

It feels so good to be able to see him again. To be able to hold him. To be able to listen to his voice everyday again. I missed you so much and only god knows how i feel when u were away. Im glad everything is over and i hope its never gonna happen again. Let this be the first and last time. Amin.

2007-08-13T13:51:00.000+08:00

So much is on my mind but i dont know where to start. I really think we are really losing the love. Its been almost a yr since our engagement but things dont seem the same anymore. I really love you and want to be with you, but this is not how.

When i wanted to leave, you were telling me that you still need and and still love me. You said you would really change and never disappoint me again - and it all seemed like it was true. But now, i dont know where our relationship stands. You tell me one thing but you do another. Im really confused.

What happened to you coming here, you calling me before you go off to sleep at night, you wanting to meet me everyday...every minute...you telling me how much you love me and how miserable life would be without me? I really miss that and want it to go back and be that way again.

I miss you baby. I miss the way we used to be.

2007-08-05T12:05:00.000+08:00

WELCOME TO THE WORLD

RINI HANIS BTE MOHD ROSDEE

24.07.2007

2007-07-03T11:02:00.000+08:00

Now, in order to find out if you love someone, the basic place to start would be to ask yourself, do you want to be with them? If the answer to that question is no, then it really can't be love. When you love someone, you want to be with them. Not just be with them, but share everything with them. You have a great day at work and want to rush home and tell them every wonderful thing that has happened. You feel excited at the prospect of just being in their company, just being close to them isn't enough, you want to be a part of them, a part of their life forever. You can't stand the thought of being away from them yet, when you are, you still feel that ever-present bond that ties you together wherever you go. You can almost feel what they are feeling. You feel like, with a little bit of effort, you can see what they are seeing and think what they are thinking. It is almost as if you both can occupy each other's bodies with complete trust and harmony. That to me is love.

Now, on the other side of the spectrum, there are a host of emotions that people confuse with love. One of the most common is lust. There is a difference between wanting to sleep with someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone.

Being overly dependent on the other person is also not a part of love. Some people fall into the trap of thinking they love someone just because they are afraid to be alone. They have become dependent on the other person for so much that they don't know how to make it on their own, or they would much rather be with someone than no-one.

so is it really love?

2007-07-02T23:01:00.000+08:00

im gonna be a year older in less than 2 hours. ive already got advance birthday wishes from norayu and fizi. i also got a card from my executive, bong aiwei.
when i was young, my mum will hold a birthday party for me every year, without fail. the last time i had a party when i was fourteen. and that was when my birthday party was labelled as 'The Famous Diarrhea Party' by my school principal. everybody present at the party was down with diarrhea and my class was left with only a handful of students. and ever since then, ive never held anymore parties. from then on, i only celebrate my birthday simply. its one of the memories way back in secondary school.

i have nothing much left to say. im spending the eve of my birthday at home, all alone and i guess i might as well just head for dreamland. adios.

2007-06-12T17:54:00.000+08:00

"I may not get to see you as often as I like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I truly know, you're the one that I love, and I can't let you go."

things arent that bad afterall. maybe i just think too much. i dont deny that we are drifting apart. we dont really communicate much nowadays. only a one minute phone call per day. i miss you alot but i just dont wanna suffocate you. im trying my best to give you the space that you want. i hope that no matter how busy we are you will think of me as much as i think of you.

2007-06-10T11:40:00.000+08:00

i think i have come to a point where i dont know what i want in my life anymore. ive been trying so hard to make things right only to go wrong. i thought that i am living my dream...only to realise that its all a lie. im so shagged of having to go thru all these shits over and over again. i never ever meant for things to turn out this way.

but hey, look on the brighter side of life.

my uncle is back from dubai. he bought me Chanel No 5. its not from dubai tho, its from changi airport's tax free. perhaps he couldnt find anything for me in dubai but its the thought that counts, right?

anyway,im at work now. im contented and happy with my job now.
ive got a wonderful partner and a great bunch of nurses in my ward. but im extremely bored now, with only 3 discharges and 0 appointments to make.
ive been going to the tea room from time to time to skive and to find things to munch. im an ugly fat pig..

im counting time to go home and head for my bed. im dead beat, from all the thinking.

all i want is to be happy.

2007-05-30T18:40:00.000+08:00

The 3days KL trip was fun fun fun.

2007-05-09T08:34:00.000+08:00

JACLYN VICTOR & RIO FABIAN

CERITERA CINTA

Bertanya sang bayu padaku

Mengapa kau masih disitu

Tiadakah jemu kau menunggu?

Oh…
Dan buat seorang perindu

Penantian hanyalah waktu

Di kamus hatiku tiada istilah jemu

Oh..
Hentikanlah saja jenaka bermadah

Biasa terlalu sering ku dengar

Ceritera cinta tiada berubah

Hanya mimpi yang indah

Akhirnya nanti kecewa
Bukalah sedikit hatimu

Kenali siapa daku

Perit ku pendam rasa hati

Malu mengakui
Hentikanlah saja jenaka bermadah

Biasa terlalu sering ku dengar

Ceritera cinta tiada berubah

Hanyalah mimpi (hanya mimpi) yang indah

Akhirnya nanti kecewa
Tanpa mahu mengakui kau pun dihati

Diluar sedar kau ku rindui
Penantianmu/ku hanya ruang waktu

Tiba masa kan terbukti cintaku
Tak mudah percaya pada pengakuan

Aku dihatimu yang tersayang
Hentikanlah saja jenaka bermadah

Biasa terlalu sering ku dengar

Ceritera cinta tiada berubah

Hanya mimpi (hanya mimpi)

…yeah…yeah…

Akhirnya nanti kecewa

2007-04-26T07:21:00.000+08:00

Artist: Rossa

Title:Aku Bukan Untukmu

Dahulu kau mencintaiku

Dahulu kau menginginkanku

Meskipun tak pernah ada jawabku

Tak berniat kau tinggalkan aku
Sekarang kau pergi menjauh

Sekarang kau tinggalkan aku

Disaat ku mulai mengharapkanmu

Dan kumohon maafkan aku

Aku menyesal tlah membuatmu menangis

Dan biarkan memilih yang lain

Tapi jangan pernah kau dustai takdirmu

Pasti itu terbaik untukmu
Janganlah lagi kau mengingatku kembali

Aku bukanlah untukmu

Meski ku memohon dan meminta hatimu

Jangan pernah tinggalkan dirinya

Untuk diriku

*underneath it all*

underneath it all